Complex Trauma: The Attachment Rupture

Complex trauma starts in relationship. It is the experience of being neglected, abused, humiliated, rejected, and dismissed over and over again by the person (or people) we are meant to rely on for safety and nurturance. When this happens, without adequate repairs, our system gets dysregulated and adapts in a way that keeps us vigilant for cues of danger and threat.

The longstanding consequences of complex trauma (or CPTSD) are many, but ultimately the effects come down to how we relate to ourselves. If you grew up without connection with a compassionate or safe other, your nervous system stays on alert as a means of keeping you safe.

The problem is that this can generate a harsh inner landscape that ends up being our internal experiences:

• Critical self-talk that borders on sadistic

• Dysfunctional beliefs about yourself, your worth, and how people see you

• Dysregulated nervous systems that oscillate from fight/flight and can go into freeze

• Toxic shame that belittles you and makes you feel highly deficient

• Anxiety that might look like chronic worry, rumination, and distressing worst-case scenarios

The work I do with my clients all comes down to these three principles:

1. Building a secure attachment within the therapeutic relationship so that this space is where you can safely connect and express all of what you experience. I am always checking this space out and how you are feeling within it because I care about your experience.

2. Fostering a connection to a wise, resilient, and compassionate inner self. Now hang on for a second if that feels icky to you! It might! For a lot of folks who’ve experienced complex trauma, connecting to a compassionate self at first can feel really foreign. It’s hard to trust it, but over time, with a willingness to experience this it starts to feel familiar. Safer. And being connected to compassion IS the antidote to shame, self-criticism, and can alleviate so much pain that our anxiety and traumatic memories engender.

3. Working on the level of emotion to work through all of the complex feelings that are attached to complex trauma. This work is not just about identifying an emotion and moving on from it; It’s about fostering a connection to it, learning from it, and experiencing it in a way that allows for it to move through you. We do this by giving caring attention to all that you feel and allowing the emotion to tell its story.